Ruminations

I'm reasonably comfortable in my own skin, a significant departure from how I've felt the majority of my life to date.

For many, many years, I was extremely self-conscious about many facets of my personality. For example, I always have tended to be rather emotional, the opposite of the stoicism that is viewed as evidence of masculinity. And, despite having strong (and, over the years, widely divergent) political viewpoints, I've always been able to see the other side of virtually every issue. That ability to argue both sides, especially of a contentious, emotional issue, strikes some people as evidence that my views are not strong, or that I do not have strongly-held convictions. Worse, being able to understand and appreciate the "enemy's" point of view makes one highly suspect. Especially in the political arena, that can lead people to question whether I am, in reality, a traitor to the "cause?"

Those things bothered me, quite alot, for many years. I think some of those facets of my personality are viewed by some as, for lack of a better descriptor, "feminine." They don't fit the male stereotype. Because people tend to feel more comfortable with others who share their philosophies, beliefs, opinions, etc. (at least I believe that's true of people), I have found it difficult for people to accept that I can, at once, hold strong opinions about an issue while understanding completely how a person might come to a point of view that is at odds with my own and, more importantly, with theirs.

I say I'm reasonably comfortable in my own skin. Others' opinions of me still matter more than I'd like them to matter. But I've decided that most of my attributes that once caused me to be self-conscious are OK and, in some cases, actually more than OK. I'm glad to have the capacity (albeit sometimes unused) to see both sides of an issue. I'm glad my emotions are sufficiently fragile to allow me to react, sometimes physically, to things that tug at my heartstrings.

While there are many things about myself that I wish were different and many things that warrant improvement, I am who I am and will always be that person. And I'm OK with that.